No closer to deciding

I got up early on Sunday and as soon as it was light enough to leave the house, I headed to Highlands. I just needed some time away from my house and I knew I could sit in the barn and listen to music and have peace and maybe work on some things.

I took my tote bag full of paperwork I had been putting off - some of it is forms for insurance that need to be filled out.  A check made out to Hubby that I need to see about depositing in an account we haven't used in years.  The social security info I was asked to provide.  My on-going Frog list.  Etc.

The septic weed was blooming all around Highlands.  According to the rain gauge we got 2.5 inches of rain and its supposed to rain even more this week.  I walked around and looked at everything, but I felt a bit lost.

Looks like I need to mow again.  I keep putting this off.  It was the last big chore Hubby did, but he never had me do it.  I was in charge of the weed whacker.  Now I have to get one of the kids to come up here and we are going to figure it out and get it done.

I was struck by how quiet and empty it seems without Hubby and I started to feel weird about it.  I feel like I am no closer to deciding what it is I should do with Highlands than I was a few weeks ago.  And maybe it is too soon for me to decide anyway, so I will just stay in this limbo until it becomes clearer, I guess.  I don't want to make rash decisions.

Desolate is not the word for it out here, but it felt very lonely.  I felt 100% safe and it was good for me to leave my house, for sure.  I wish I had a crystal ball to help me figure it all out.  Someone told me that eventually I will come into my own and I have been really struck by that.  All this time, I have had to think about what I wanted based on what my partner wanted.  I have not been a single person thinking about solely what I wanted for over 35 years, so that concept is both exciting and scary to me at the same time.

I'll get there...

Gina